I’m not a huge celebrity news hound, but occasionally I read the round of “trashy magazines” - People, US Weekly, OK! or something in that arena.

“Showbiz Tonight” on CNN.com had a clip of Brad Pitt when he was on Oprah. Oprah asked him how being a dad has changed his life. “I’m hard as nails,” Pitt said. “I’m impervious to poop, snot, urine [and] vomit.”

A.J. Hammer asked cohorts Carolina Bermudez and Lisa Bloom if they thought it was TMI - Too Much Information, or if Pitt was just being a typical father. Bermudez said, “Coming out of Brad Pitt’s mouth, it’s cute.” As a mother, Bloom said it just sounded like any other day for parents.

Babies. They eat. They poop. They cry. They throw up. They need to be warm. They need to have their diapers changed. This is the extent of my baby knowledge.

Whenever I hold a baby it cries. As young as they are, babies know a thing or two. They know who is NOT a parent. I am not a parent. Like dogs, babies can smell fear, and belt out their loudest fire-truck-siren-wail when placed in my arms. Then, due to their distressed state, they puke on me.

Three words that should never be used in the same sentence: Electric. Breast. Pump.

I bought a baby outfit for my friend. Not having a clue how the sizes work I bought one that looked, well, baby-sized. She really liked it but said it would be another three or four months before the baby could wear it because it was too big. She laid it next to one of his current outfits and it looked like a baby-shaped circus tent.

What you put into a baby’s mouth is not what will come out the other end. Somewhere in the middle, it turns into a noxious-smelling, sticky, brown goo. Carrots in, nuclear waste out.

Pacifiers really don’t pacify babies. It’s all a marketing scam.

Since babies can’t talk they can’t tell you what they want or what’s wrong. This completely freaks me out. When babies cry their parents seem to automatically know what it means. “That’s her hungry cry.” “He needs his diaper changed.” “He just wants to be held.” “She must be cold.” It is a sound. A sound that to me is the same no matter when the baby makes it. Are parents mind-readers? How do they know what cry it is? The Amazing Kreskin doesn’t even know what a baby’s cry means!

I tried to change a baby’s diaper once. I ended up putting it on backward. The baby didn’t seem to notice, but his mother got a kick out of my mistake.

You’ve probably guessed by now, but in case you’re wondering, I don’t have any kids. But I know exactly what my cats are saying when they meow. And they don’t require diaper changes.